I remember the utter joy that bestowed me three years ago, when my first child was born. My pregnancy was full term, healthy, and easy-going. My labor was 18 hours long, but a wonderful 18 hours that I would relive any day. Maui Jazelle was born a wopping 7 pounds, 5 ounces and measured to 19 inches long. She came out crying and screaming, but her first sound of daddy's voice (out of utero) had automatically calmed her down. When I held her in my arms for the first time, she looked directly into my eyes as I said, "I'm your Mommy, little girl. And I'm going to love you forever." It was a wonderful experience. Other than marrying my husband, that day was pretty much the best day of my life.
One stillbirth later, I'm not the same. Nor, will I ever be.
Envy (same as jealousy) is one of the seven Cardinal Sins. The sin that takes over me in a twisted way that I resent. Reading the blogs of women whom are pregnant after a stillbirth/loss of a child doesn't effect me in that way. Actually, I love reading those blogs because they give women like me so much hope for the future.
It's the women I know in real life. The women whom know what I have been through these past few months. The women who sympathize my pain, yet do not understand it first hand. The women who got pregnant shortly after mine was cut short. Those women.
It's not their fault, and I keep telling myself that. I don't hate them, I just hate that I can't experience their happiness. I'm jealous. And I feel guilty that I'm jealous. I shouldn't be. I was fortunate enough to have experienced that great sense of elation at least once in my life. I have plenty to be thankful for. Yet, I'm longing for what I DON'T have - my sweet Joshua.
These feelings make me feel monstrous. =[
6 comments:
I too am envious. I get so mad at myself for feeling like that sometimes because I know it is wrong. But, sometimes I feel like it is allowed. The most preciouse gift ever was taken from me.
Here for you.
I think it is completely normal and natural to have these feelings after suffering a loss like we have. Do not be too hard on yourself. We are in pain and it is okay to be resentful of others who are so blissfully happy. (At lest this is what I tell myself:)
I can say I feel the same way! It is ok, I dont care what anyone else says! :) ((hugs))
I feel the EXACT same way that you do, I feel anger everytime I hear a pregnant mother complain about their pregnancy, when I would give anything to be in their shoes. Part of me hates these women, and I feel selfish for it. I want a baby so badly, but Ill be lucky if I ever get it. I feel like it will never happen.
my prayers are with you
My thoughts exactly. Other baby loss moms who are pregnant or have a baby make me happy & give me hope. It's my friends and co-workers who don't know any differently than pregnant=baby that make me jealous. I think it's natural. We didn't just lose our babies we lost our innocence too. We will probably never be as blissfully happy again and I think that's worth envying.
xo
Ashley
Our situations are a little different in that my only child passed, so I haven't had that one good experience, but other than that the feelings on this seem universal in the baby loss world. You are not a monster, we are never meant to see our children leave this world and it hurts to know all that is lost in their passing. I feel jealous right now, and terrible for it because my sister is expecting. I want the best for her, I wish I didnt feel this way, but feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Sending you hugs.
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