A Better Change

I've been feeling so emotional today.

This morning, I had an appointment with the Allergist for the very first time. The Allergy department of the hospital is actually located right on top of Pediatrics, but I'll get into that in a minute.

The kind doctor had explained that my hives are due to my thyroid disorder's autoimmune system. Since my hormones are irregular due to my hypothyroid, my body has been attacking itself with hives. She placed me on new medication that feels will permanently remove the hives within the next few days. I've already started to feel better, and haven't been showing any signs of skin irritation... so kudos to her!

Afterwards, she had sent me to do some lab work regarding my allergic condition. And that brings me to the hardship of today. I was sitting in the waiting room filled with mothers and small beautiful children. Next to me, a lady embracing her daughter. I smiled, and asked, "How old is she?" She replied, "Just a few months old, she was born in April."

At that moment, my heart dropped through my stomach... crashing onto the floor lifeless. It had instantly occured to me, that Joshua would have resembled the same appearance of this beautiful baby. Chubby, bright-eyed, toothless... and completely innocent. My son. Oh, how things would and should have been. I tried so hard to keep the tears in. I didn't want to freak out this lady sitting just inches away from me. And thank God, the lab tech had finally called my name. *phew*

Last night in bed, I was having a talk with my husband about life. We were discussing the things I wish I had (Joshua), the things I want to have, and the things that are feasible of obtaining. And have decided that returning to school would do me so good right now. When I was mid-way with Joshua's pregnancy, I made the choice to resign from my former job as a patient care coordinator of a health clinic to stay full time with my children for the next year or two. But the plans have taken a slight turn. Now that my newborn is being well taken care for me up in Heaven, and my three year old is soon to start preschool, I have decided that school would be a great thing for me. I have always been fascinated with the health care field. To have so much brain powering knowledge that reciprocates into healthy people is a wonderful way I would like to attribute my life-spent time. I have been looking in applying to a Respiratory Therapy program. The function of this job - to help people breathe. I'm loving it already.

After my appointment today, I visited my old college and have obtained a copy of my official transcripts. Turns out, they are still valid and cuts down the RT program's prerequisite list from six classes down to two. Since Joshua died, I have lost excitement for anything the future has
behold for me. Today, I make a vow to change that. Today, I promise to profuse my time and effort in this short life of mine.

Today... is the first day of the rest of my life.