Vanilla

With the fast paced chaos of these past few weeks, I have been experiencing an occasional presence lurking amongst me. Doing regular things like washing the dishes, folding laundry, and consulting with patients at work... I have noticed a comforting touch on my back. The first couple of times, I brushed it off thinking that it was nothing. But then, the touch became more frequent and surreal.

I have read several blogs of women whom were blessed enough to have their angel babies visit them in their dreams. I have not yet been visited by Joshua, and am still waiting for that beautiful moment to come. But this touch, I feel certain, is him. I think he is trying to let me know that he's around and is trying to remind me to slow down when I'm pushing myself too hard.

I titled this blog "Vanilla" because that scent reminds me of my son. Months after I found out I was pregnant with Joshua, we moved into a bigger home. With the move, we bought new furniture and decor. In our bedroom, a beautiful new set of vanilla-scented candles in a pebbled dish had been placed atop our dresser. We have never lit the candles, but the fragrance lingers. The aroma soothed me each day as my belly grew bigger and bigger.

When I came home from the hospital empty-handed, I headed straight to my bedroom. I laid in bed as I uncontrollably started to weep, and then the vanilla had reached my nose. Tears turned into more tears. This beautiful smell had become of a painful memory. Today, when I smell vanilla...I really don't know whether to smile or to cry. A once beautiful light scent... now the most complicated fragrance in the world.

I miss you, Joshua. No matter how busy I get in life, I could/will NEVER forget you.