I Miss You Most At Christmas Time

I realize that it's been nearly a month since my last post. I have had several attempts to write, but around this time of year I find it challenging to find the right words to express what I'm feeling. You can say that I've been retaining myself from sucking out all of the holiday cheer in everyone.

My daughter is three. Such a fun, and exciting age three is. Last year, she could not grasp the full idea of Santa Clause. This year, she is totally getting into the spirit of Christmas. My husband and I have been explaining that Christmas is one big birthday celebration for Jesus. What a champ she is, she was able to sit and watch the completion of The Nativity Story with us on DVD. She asked us how Santa Clause falls into place with Christmas, and we simply told her that good old Saint Nick is a pal of Jesus, and his job is to remind everyone of this special day. This is the first year she was able to help us decorate the tree and hang up the stockings. The first year of many that will etch everlasting memories.

And while I have been wrapping gifts for our sweet girl (some from us, and one very special one from Santa), I have been thinking about my precious baby boy. Eight months old, and not a single giggly baby coo that serenades my ears. We would have probably bought him toys that light up with bubbly sounds and dressed him in a cuddly little Santa suit. I could only imagine how spectacular this Christmas would and should have been.

I know that the first batch of holidays without a loved one is suppose to be the hardest, but I am trying my best to pull through for our daughter. She is so young and innocent, and she deserves to have good memories. As easy as it would be to not care about this holiday, I will not allow myself to deprive my daughter of joy.

As the new year is embarking upon us, I feel that my grief will uncontrollably carry on with me. I wish it wouldn't, but I'm sure it will.


I'm going to end this blog with a beautiful song that ironically, I sang in a Christmas concert for high school. Looking back, I poured out my soul while performing this song, and naively did not know the true pain of these words. Fast-forward a good ten years.. and here I am, relating this song to my son.